Remember
by lumoscrimsom
Summary: Sirius has taken to using girls to get through his attraction to Remus.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimers:** Not mine. Anyone feeling generous enough to get the rights for me…?

**A/N:** Another oneshot ¬_¬ I'm on a non-chaptered roll. Anyway, bon apetit!

**Warnings:** Might start putting these on, since a couple of people have looked at my stuff, seen it's all Remus and Sirius and mistook it for het :P In all seriousness though, I apologise to anyone I have scarred and announced this as a Wolfstar slash fic :)

Sirius Black had never been interested in girls and had never had a girlfriend. He never noticed their attentions trained on him and the hopeful flirting and had never singled anyone out. It seemed that he was simply too occupied with his friends and their fun around school to pay attention to the fairer sex. That was what his aforementioned friends thought, anyway.

When someone like Sirius wants a secret to be kept, it had better be believed that no one will ever hear of it again. The secret was that Sirius Black was a secret player. He took girls up to the astronomy tower or somewhere equally 'romantic' for a night and then broke up with them immediately after he had gotten what he wanted. This unknown fact about Sirius stayed as such due to the embarrassment and humiliation of the girls who didn't tell even their friends of the real reason for his request for their company, passing it off as an aide for homework, or advice – and of course, Sirius himself hasn't told anyone, because he is far too ashamed to admit it to one of his friends in particular in fear of being criticised.

It was Saturday night and Sirius could be found sitting atop the astronomy tower with his jeans undone and his shirt lying on the floor beside his combat boots. He had a cigarette lit between his teeth and was watching the girl, Mia or something, dress.

"I've had fun." She was saying, fastening her red skirt and picking up her shirt. _Of course you have_, Sirius thought listlessly, "I'll meet you at breakfast? I have to go back to the Ravenclaw common room now, or—"

"I don't want to date you." Sirius interrupted. Mia blinked, looking as though she thought she had misheard him.

"I…what?"

"I don't want to date you." He repeated, sounding almost bored with the conversation.

"But I— we— you sounded like…you were so sweet." She stuttered, confused and hurt.

"I can be when I want something." Sirius shrugged, taking a drag and opening his mouth to let the smoke float out, "I just needed to shag someone, so I found someone. You were very willing, so it was easy. Cheers for that."

Mia abandoned her shirt in aide of looking more confused and hurt instead, "Why me? Why me as your first?" she demanded. Sirius barked a harsh laugh, the grieved sound disturbing as it echoed off the walls.

"You think you're the first?" he asked, some emotion finally seeping into his voice in the form of faint disbelief, "I'm not even attracted to you, darling, so get any ideas you have about me _liking_ you out of your head."

"Not attracted to me?" she scoffed, getting angrier by the second, "You seemed to be when you were on top of me, panting and moaning like a dog in heat."

Sirius smiled distantly at the ironic simile and took another drag as he got to his feet and stepped close to her, bending until his mouth brushed her neck, his bare chest brushing the tips of her breasts lightly, making her gasp sharply, still oversensitive after her climax.

"I'll tell you a secret." He whispered, smoke dropping from between his lips as he spoke and warming the skin on her neck and shoulder, "Whoever I'm with, I close my eyes and imagine it's someone else writhing beneath me and calling my name. Someone I can't have."

"Who?" she asked quietly, "I deserve to know who."

For some reason Sirius answer. Maybe he wanted it all to end – the longing glances in the dormitory or in class, the secret wishes in his dreams at night and when he fell asleep next to him in the common room, the breathy gasps of his name behind red hangings and hasty silencing charms.

"Remus Lupin."

Whatever the reason, it felt good to finally say it.

"Lupin?" she sneered, taking a step back, "_Lupin_? You're humiliating me for _him_? What the hell has he got that interests you so much?" she takes a deep breath as though to calm herself, "You've picked the wrong girl to play this time, Black. I'll get you back – I'll tell everyone about your little crush."

Sirius merely shrugged, "Oh, it's way more than a little crush. Go ahead, it can't hurt anymore than it already does, so go ahead. Do your fucking worst." He slid back down the wall, watching thin plumes of smoke rising from the end of his cigarette. "Get dressed and piss off already."

Mia scowled, but approached him after pulling her top on and stepping into her shoes. "Look, I feel sorry for you, so I'll give you the rest of the night to tell Lupin. Don't think it's because I'm forgiving you or anything, you're still a prick. I pity you, Black. You obviously have issues and I guess that has more than a little to do with what I've heard about your family."

"When I'm with Remus, I'm different." Sirius said quietly, shifting his gaze to look out onto the grounds, lit only by the half moon and the stars, "I'm less like _them_."

Shaking her head with a sigh, Mia turned and left, calling over her shoulder that she would telling people at breakfast. The astronomy tower was quiet, but for Sirius' increasingly laboured breathing once the door had swung closed. In a bout of anger and frustration, he leapt to his feet and turned to drive his fist into the wall. He gritted his teeth instead of crying out, relishing the feel of the bones in his knuckles crunching and giving way into splinters inside his hand and the warm, coppery blood oozing from the self-inflicted wounds.

Once the moment of adrenaline had dissipated, however, the quiet self-loathing returned and he sighed tiredly, bending to pull on his boot and t-shirt one-handed, dropping his cigarette and snubbing it out with a toe when he was finished. He made his way back to the Gryffindor common room after a while, hiding his hand inconspicuously behind his back as he approached James and Peter playing chess near the fire.

"Remus," he asks, feeling emotionally and physically worn out, instead of elated and relaxed seeing as he had just had sex, "Where is he?"

"With that Zoe girl, I think." James answered, capturing one of Peter's pawns, "Where have you been? I thought we were going to plan that prank on the Slytherins?"

"I had someone to see." Sirius answered non-committedly, the words _with that Zoe girl_ floating around his head and clouding his vision, "I'm going to bed."

Ignoring James' queries of why he was turning in so early, he turned and ascended the stairs to their dormitory, where he crossed over to his bed and collapsed there, his dully throbbing hand resting carefully on his stomach and – having no more energy to fret or punch anything with his good hand – promptly fell asleep.

LINEBREAK

Remus opened the door quietly and closed it even more so, having been told that Sirius would be asleep. He looked over to check and was startled to see a pool of red soaked into his t-shirt from under and on his hand. Mad images of stab wounds and sword fights flew through Remus' mind before he grasped his rationality for which he was so infamous and approached the bleeding boy to gently shake him awake.

He pauses before he does so, though, instead looking over the black circles under his eyes and the frown he wore even in his sleep. There had been something wrong with Sirius for a while, but none of his friends knew what it was. Remus wondered if he would ever find out as he proceeded to wake Sirius.

"What have you done to yourself?" he asked gently, looking Sirius in the eye and then back at his bloodied hand, "And why come here instead of the hospital wing?" Sirius made no answer, so Remus sighed and produced his wand to perform a couple of specific healing charms and a cleaning charm to right the bone damage and the broken skin and syphon the blood from his clothes. Sirius watched him with oddly wistful and sad eyes that Remus thinks are curious but doesn't question.

"You'd make a good healer." Sirius praised, flexing his fingers experimentally.

"I can only do what will save my life by a small margin on the full moons after I've left school and there's no Madam Pomfrey to save the day." He shrugged, "Sirius, what's wrong?"

Remus expected to hear either no answer or to get told to mind his own business, especially since Sirius looked as though he was about to shout and scream, but was surprised when instead his friend's face fell and he fell forward on him, arms slung around him, face pressed into his neck. He told him everything, not crying but talking with a dead, hopeless voice that made crying the better prospect – how he seduced girls and kept it all a secret, how he was terrified that he was becoming like his family, how he had picked wrong that night and how she was going to tear his world apart tomorrow. And finally, how he felt for Remus.

"Then I came here and James told me you were with Zoe," Sirius finished lamely, "And then you came…"

Remus frowned, spotting the issue immediately, "I was only tutoring her, Sirius. I stared a couple of weeks ago, remember? Anyway, it would never work out with Zoe since I'm gay."

Sirius blinked, speechless for a minute before asking in a strained voice, "How…how long…? No, that doesn't matter – will you go out with me?"

Remus hesitated before answering, "Sirius, it sounds as though there's a whole other side of you I don't know yet and I'm not sure I would ever want to know, but surely would be inevitable if we were to get together."

Looking crestfallen, Sirius started to lie back down, eyes drifting vaguely away from Remus, who continued forcefully and pulled his friend back around to face him, "But I am willing to try."

Without waiting for a reaction, Remus leant forward and planted a brief, barely-there kiss on Sirius' parted lips. Sirius, disbelieving of what was happening, didn't react, even when Remus stood up to made his way to the door. Before he left, Remus turned and gave Sirius a wry smile.

"If you treat me like you treat your women, remember that I'm capable of leaving you in the way you have left so many others. Remember that and it'll be fine."

It was only once the door had closed softly behind him could Sirius lie back down and think coherently, his slightly aching hand touching his lips lightly, the memory of the kiss fresh and delightful in him mind. He knew, deep within him, that Remus' threat would never have to be enacted; he had never loved the girls, had never really loved anything in another way to he loved his friends, and he loved Remus – needed him like he needed oxygen and he would make him see that no matter the cost. He flexed his fingers once more and found the pain, for the first time in months, abhorrent, no longer relishing the dull throb as a filler for his unrequited feelings for a certain werewolf friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, all the beautiful and talented J.K. Rowling's. Hmm? What's that? Flattery will get me nothing? Well, damn. Time to baking a giant-ass cake, biatches.

**A/N:** Okay, so don't torch me for uploading an update for a fic that was supposed to be a one shot, when I'm supposed to writing Leopard Print, Guide to Seduction and keeping my promise by continuing Tattoo Tissue, but I've had major writer's block and I was listing to the Arctic Monkeys' _Do I Wanna Know_ and this just came to me. Do not fret, though, my readers, I am currently finishing a chapter for Leopard Print Thongs :) Enjoy!

Hands grabbed at his robes, tugging at them insistently. Remus laughed, the low, mocking sound aimed at the other boy. Aimed to hurt. Aimed to be cruel. The other boy heard the laugh, but continued to lift the robes over Remus' head, ripping his shirt open. Buttons popped and tore from the thin white material, hitting the floor with surprisingly loud clatters. The ruined shirt was pushed open, revealing a scarred and lithely muscled torso. The other boy, some sixth year Ravenclaw, ran his hand over the scars, some still puckered and others smoothed by the flow of time. The hands, slim and long, smoothed back up and over Remus' shoulders and down his shirt-clad arms to his hands, larger and rough.

Remus tore his hands from the boy's grasp, denying the romantic intimacy he obviously sort for. The Ravenclaw swallowed, his face a sudden mixture of fleeting emotions, some of which made Remus shiver with the intensity of the want displayed in those lowered blue eyes. The control he had over this younger boy – over a Ravenclaw, of all things – sent a thrill through him, flooding below his navel. Control was something he had never been allowed to have when he had been with _him_. The boy felt his response and lowered himself to his knees, his eyes never leaving Remus', as if asking for his permission. Remus made no answer, but simply folded his arms and leant back against the shelves of the cupboard, watching as the boy clumsily lowered the zip on his trousers and reached inside his boxers. Remus' breath didn't even hitch when he both watched and felt the Ravenclaw's warm, wet mouth close around him.

It was nice enough, of course, been given a blowjob in a broom cupboard. But it was never enough unless it was _him_, unless it was hot and hard and heavy, filled with a delicious lust and desire, swimming with passion and emotion. Remus closed his eyes, willing himself not to think about _him_. Not about _him_. Never again.

That train of thought, however, was broken off when the boy pulled back with a wet pop and looked up at him with wide eyes. "I think there's someone outside." He whispered anxiously. Remus looked down the boy with something akin to distaste in his gaze and was unable to do anything to keep it from translating to kid on his knees before him.

"They won't come in." Remus said, hearing his voice coming out too flat and emotionless, "Touch yourself, hurry it up."

The boy looked momentarily disappointed that Remus wouldn't be returning the favour, but went back to his task eagerly enough, his other hand able to easily access his trousers and free his own arousal, his robes already in a crumpled head on the floor. Remus watched him with a slight curl of his upper lip, wondering with a hint of disgust if that was how pathetic he had been with _him_. Willing and ready to do anything. The thought made Remus start to go soft. He groaned in disbelief, leaning his head back; he didn't want to leave without getting what he had come for, but there was no helping it if the boy didn't arouse him enough.

"Leave it alone!"

Remus picked his head back up, werewolf senses pricked and listening. The Ravenclaw had heard anything, too caught up in his own world down on the floor, but Remus had heard each word as though the speaker was right beside him. The voice was, unmistakably, James'. Standing right outside the broom cupboard. Another voice, one that sparked so many conflicting emotions in him, muffled and hoarse. Remus rolled his head back again, groaning with an entirely different meaning this time, picturing _him_ outside, trying to fling the door open, James trying to stop him. His arms uncrossed themselves, letting his hands knot in the boy's short blonde hair. The Ravenclaw sensed the change in Remus' mood, felt it between his lips, and moaned, the vibrations humming through the werewolf as he listened to the struggle outside.

Suddenly, light flood across Remus' closed eyelids as the Ravenclaw cried out around him and shuddered, spilling onto the floor. Remus pulled on the boy's hair roughly, forcing himself down his throat, his head rolling forwards. His eyes cracked open lazily as he came silently, filling the boy's mouth and hearing him choke and splutter as he looked up at _him_ from under hooded lids. A sadistic smirk tugged at one corner of his mouth as his pulled out of the boy's mouth and tucked himself back in his trousers, amber eyes never leaving grey.

"Re- Remus." Sirius whispered, his breath hitching on the werewolf's name. Remus bent to retrieve his robes and fold them over his arm methodically, half-heartedly tugging his torn shirt together. He glanced around distractedly and looked at the boy, who was still on the floor, looking both terrified and ridiculous at being caught with one half of Hogwart's newest couples by the other half.

"My tie." Remus said to the boy impatiently, "Where is it?"

The boy glanced around hurriedly and retrieved the tie, passing it up to Remus. The werewolf considered the Ravenclaw for a second, before reaching down to wipe the corner of his mouth with his thumb. A low growl came from the general direction of Sirius as Remus pushed by him into the low light of the corridor. It was past curfew and he needed to be back in the tower. He ignored the pale and worried expression on James' face and strolled towards the staircase as though he hadn't a care in the world. No one saw the façade crack as he turned the corner at the top of the staircase and the sounds of pained cries – so different from pleasured moans earlier – echoed from two very different boys below in two very different ways, the third boy attempting and failing to mediate an understanding between them.

Shouts of pain from the Ravenclaw echoed through the corridors as Sirius took his frustration out on the unfortunate pawn, whilst Remus slumped down the wall, bringing his knees up to his chin and hugging his robes to him as he sobbed, the dangerous mixture of arousal and anger having dissipated along with his orgasm. Footsteps approached to the background noise of Sirius' fists pounding at the Ravenclaw and the boy's cries.

"Why are you doing this to each other?" James asked with a sad sigh as he sat down next to Remus. The werewolf rubbed at his eyes roughly, frustrated at showing weakness to the person who would tell Sirius about his tears at the next available opportunity.

"I warned him, Prongs." Remus answered, his voice a hoarse croak. His cleared his throat and looked sideways at James, hoping to convey that even though he was hurting, he didn't regret giving Sirius a sample of the pain he was experiencing, "I told him that if he treated me like treats all of those girls, that I'd leave him."

"You've done more than that."

"You expect me to lie down and take his shit?" Remus spat, making to stand up, "You think I should just turn a blind eye as he fucks his way through the population of the school and pretend it's not happening like the obedient little boyfriend I am?"

James sighed and pulled Remus back down, putting a comforting arm around him, "Of course not. I just meant…Merlin, I don't know, Moony. I'm caught in between my two best friends here, having to watch you both tear the other apart. What am I supposed to say?"

Remus leaned into James, tears escaping once again and dripping from his chin. "Say that it'll be okay." He begged, a sob cracking through the last word, "Tell me that I'll stop loving him….that…that it'll stop hurting when he walks all over me like I don't mean anything to him."

James didn't say anything, both of them aware that even if he did, none of it would be true, so he tightening his hold on his friend instead and pulled Remus' head onto his shoulder to let the other boy cry it all out like he should have done the night he had caught Sirius with a younger Gryffindor in his bed.

Meanwhile, Sirius was crouched over the Ravenclaw on the floor below, his head in his hands as he stared blankly at the blood started to dry on the kid's nose. He was alright, of course, just out cold. Sirius wasn't a killer. Although it felt like he could be when it came to Remus. Fucking Remus, fucking other blokes where he knew Sirius would find him, when he knew Sirus was in possession of the fucking map. If there was any time to prove to the petulant werewolf that he was sorry, it was now. Before he lost him for good.


End file.
